


Diary Series: Entry #1

by Noaner



Series: Winchester Diaries [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-20
Updated: 2010-08-20
Packaged: 2017-10-11 04:31:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/108426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Noaner/pseuds/Noaner
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bad vibes and feelings are easier to work out on paper.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Diary Series: Entry #1

**Author's Note:**

> During Seasons 1 and 2 and definitely AU.

Diary Series

Entry 1:

I think about the guilt sometimes that I had what others didn't. I didn't have a mom, but I did have a dad and a big brother and they both loved me in their own ways. Course as I grew older that lost its significance as a factor for me. All I could see was what I didn't have and what Dad didn't understand when I asked him to do normal things.

I might have been able to deal with the hunting better if I had been allowed to do normal things like play soccer or join a club. Dad and soon after Dean's dedication to the hunt was admirable, but did it have to be the end all be all of existence? For Dad it was and for Dean it became that for they both knew before and fully comprehended the life that was before and how good things could be. I never had that stolen from me, and I never knew mom.

Pictures and the few seconds of her ghost looking at me an apologizing are all I have to know her and remember her. That single fact is one that Dad and Dean ignore. Where they have passion for this I had none. Jessica was murdered most likely by the same thing and that made me angry. How dare it go after her when it just needed to wait and catch me alone assuming it was after me. Or it could be it is after the family and any woman that we get close to will die that way. I feel bad for Dean stuck between the two of us, Dad and Me. We have both lost the loves of our lives and I still can't bring myself to fully forgive the man. I survived when Jess didn't, and that causes more pain than anything else. I guess it means that I truly loved her. That is comforting and depressing at the same time.

Dean, well he is another whole barrel of issues. It seems I hurt him a lot more than I realized when I left for school. He scoffs and says that Dad was the hurt one and I should feel bad because I left my family and all that. The question is: is why did my desires and dreams have to come between me and my family? I love them both very much they are all I have left in this world worth giving a damn about and the betrayal they felt when I left is not something I can fix.

Dean says hurt, but his eyes said betrayal. Dean and I though, we are together again hunting and I am slowly working through my emotional issues, but the guilt remains. In the far reaches of my psyche I wonder whether I am the draw for the supernatural that destroyed my family. Its not something I dwell on, because if I did I would find a use for the many shiny knives we have in the trunk. That would hurt Dean though and suicide is not something that would solve anything. At least not yet.

If I were to ever find out that my death was necessary to save my family then I would go with a heavy heart, but I would do it. I wasn't kidding when I told Dean I would die for him. The dreams, now that I acknowledge them are the same, but I know them now and since Dean knows we will be able to handle things better from now on. I still feel guilt for being the cause of so much suffering, pain and guilt involved in everyone who knows me well.

I will also still bury it and deal with it the best way I can and if nothing else come out of this life having made amends with my brother and maybe even my father. That is one of the few wishes I have left to wish for, and the most important, even above finding what killed mom and Jessica. I haven't had a dream, but I feel that both of those wishes will be granted simultaneously and I hope to see that before I go.


End file.
